Allow me to rant

It's quarter past eleven on a Friday night and I should more than likely have gone to bed a long time ago. Instead I stay up, pondering things I have already gone over a hundred times before.

By now I think I know myself well enough to be able to quite confidently say I am mediocre. I always have been and perhaps I always will be. Since I was young what I wanted was to find something I was excellent at, something that would distinguish me and that I could build a career on. I must have been around seven or eight when I played with my younger sister Hanna in my nan's yard - we had our porcelain dolls with us. Mine was a baby and I called it Anna. In these games I was a single mother who did not have much time for my daughter because I was busy travelling the globe on business. That's what I grew up expecting my life to become - hard work, dedication and passion. I'm starting to feel like I squandered that dream; like I never fulfilled my potential. I am finding myself doubting that there was any potential to begin with, although part of me furiously refuses to believe that.

Once in a while I break myself down (for some reason I always manage to do it to myself) and I badger myself about these dreams I had. About how what I truly want is to excel at something; instead I am mediocre. A jack of all trades but a master of none, as they say. When I come to these points I have asked Rob, plenty of times, what I am good at. A few times he has said "you are the best at loving me" and whilst it is a truly beautiful notion and I understand what he is trying to say I have always failed to convey to him how insulting it is at the same time. The reason why I am so insulted by it is because I cannot build my life on being an abstract quality like loving someone else. I am sure, to some, dedicating their life to another person is a fulfilling and meaningful existence but I want the meaning of my life to be more than just a means to making someone else happy. I need my life to be about making me happy. It is a deeply selfish wish but I need to find something to love about myself that has nothing to do with another person. Something that is mine, that is part of my personality and that I can look at and think 'you kow what - I am proud of that'.

When I thought about it tonight I realised I view myself as an opaque sphere. I can see the surface, but underneath I have no idea what my being is made up of. Is it just air? Smoke and mirrors? Or is there more substance there? I need to find out but so far I cannot get through and it's all just surface.

I believe it was my father who said 'Life is meaningless but the only thing even more meaningless is killing yourself' - I think I live to that motto a lot more often than is probably healthy. All I have to do is find the meaning of my life. That's all I have to do. Easy, isn't it?

My rant is over. I'm going to exercise my, so far, biggest talent of loving my boyfriend by preparing his sandwich for tomorrow. It feels good to blow off some steam once in a while.

G'night xx
Saga

I'm back!

I have been trying to log in to write a post, but Blogger kept asking me to text me a verification to my phone. I couldn't be bothered since it's not on the right number.... It's all worked out now though :) My last post was when we got Saoirse and we have now had her for over a month. Her character has certainy developed! For example she spies out the windows upstairs to watch people walking by and she likes having her face rubbed after a walk after we have used the halti (if you're not familiar with the halti it's a head collar which puts a little bit of pressure on the nose if she pulls). If you don't rub her face for her she will occasionally rub it on the rug or dive face first into the leather sofa :) We were lucky though and she's not shown any signs of anxiety or stress about coming into a new home with new people. There has been no chewing or peeing in the house. I have however noticed that she now has a habit of sneaking upstairs to sleep in our bed when we're not home and to be honest - I can forgive her for that ^^, Probably because it smells like us and she's not allowed on it when Rob's home. Sometimes she cuddles up to me when we're alone though - if I let her.

Saoirse (yeah, try pronuncing that)

Today is a very big day because today our little family grew to three :) We have adopted a little girl called Saoirse from Dogs Trust Kenilworth. She is a three to four year old German Shepherd who was born in Ireland. We know very little of her early life as she was picked up as a stray and her family couldn't be found. She was taken to the UK to have a better chance of finding a new homebut she must have had a home at some point though as she is very well behaved and was both micro-chipped (twice!) and spayed (again - twice! They opened her up to spay her and realised it had already been done in Ireland.). As she had stitches in and wasn't fully vaccinated she wasn't allowed out of the kennel though, so she was so bouncy when we went to see her! The picture is from Sunday the 25th when we visited her for the second time. As she had to "do her business" in the kennel we came out of there smelling ever so faintly of dog pee lol. She knows sit and is very enthusiastic about giving her paw (she gives you both paws and tries to lift herself up a little bit to reach the treat), but she is very gentle when you feed her something.

Cars - so reliable

This morning I had a boyfriend full of anticipation. He was off to his first day at the new office and was really looking forward to it so he left early. I woke pretty early too and was out of bed at 6.20. Since me and Rob ow work in different directions we can't go to work together so I saw him off on his merry way and awaited my own departure for work. Everything was juuuust fine and peachy until I had taken the car out of the yard and closed the gate behind me. I sat down and got ready to go to work - but  something felt very different. In the time it had taken me to drive the car out, turn it off to lock the gate and then get back in the clutch had gone. It was still drivable but only just.

I had no idea what had happened though since the clutch has never given in on any of my previous cars; however I had a creeping suspicion. Surprisingly I averted panic though... Fantastic selfcontrol there! In the end I got to work although quite slowly and a lot less smoothly than usual. One of my colleagues' brother is a mechanic so we have asked him to come out and have a look at the car tomorrow - see if he can get it sorted for me. Life saver!

Can't help but feeling, though, that it would be nice to have a month without any kind misfortune. I'm really tired of going up hill all the while. I've been trying to find it somewhere in my budget to go see my family and even with a full time job I can't find money for a measly flight ticket home... I haven't seen them since Christmas and with the clutch now gone on my car and probably about £200 or more to repair it I don't think I'll be able to afford going home the coming couple of months either... Christmas? We'll have to see :/ I just don't know what to do...

Just one month where things go my way, please?

Saga xx

Still alive!

I have been told I need to get back to my blog and to be honest I have been thinking about it myself for quite some time. I've done loads of stuff since I last wrote. Have been to Manchester twice and been to a couple of animal related events around Burton.

For the first time I have experienced the English summer as well and it has been a good one. It has been mercilessly hot for a couple of weeks but I will not be one to complain (too much) about sunshine. I managed to barbecue my shoulders though which was a bit silly...

I really, really will update the blog soon, I promise! Yesterday we toiled away in the garden, putting up our new fence panels and making a new border for the lawn (it was lookig a bit scruffy. It's still a bit scruffy but with a defined edge!). In the evening we went to Race Night at The Traford in Hednesford. Basically what it is is old horse races with 8 horses which you can bet on - you don't get any info on the horses or riders or the course - it's like lottery. You buy a couple of tickets (£1 or whatever you want to bet) and pray your horse is the first to cross that finish line (or finishes at all O.o). Rounded the night off with a curry and headed back home.

Today we went shopping together with Matt in Walsall. Both Matt and Rob wanted some new shirts so we had a nose round the shops. Apparently Pride was on as well but we didn't see much of it sadly.

At the moment I am completely knackered... Rob's just spoke to the landlord's wife Liz about getting quotes for having some windows replaced (single glass is seriously cold in the winter..!). They were really surprised we changed the broken fence panels on our own accord and she said they'd never had tenants like that before. Good to know the landlord is happy with us!

Anyway, I might just try and get some sleep - tried a nap earlier but no luck. I have a feeling you'll be hearing from me again soon.

Take care and go hug someone you like - they deserve it.
Huggles
Saga

Pension

Just a quick little post before I more than likely fall asleep in this comfy bath and drown :) Yesterday we had a visitor in the office. The company is going through a merger at the moment to become part of what will be known as Jelf Insurance Partnership, so yesterday we had our first visitor from Jelf. It was a really nice guy called Jeff (Jeff from Jelf xD) who stopped by to talk about pensions and the different schemes Jelf offer.

Missing

I think the look on his face says a lot about
how I feel at the moment!

Over the last week or so I have had moments or hours or sometimes a full day of missing Sweden. Of course I miss it for the sake of my family and friends, but lately I have begun to realise that I also miss the country all in it's own right. I love it here in England but I will never be truly English. I am when it comes down to it an immigrant. I may not be very far from my home country and I may be here willingly, even so I feel different. My English is quite good (not as good as I would like it to be though) but it's things like my name that give away that I'm not "one of them" and I never really will be, people will keep asking where I come from. And that is fine, I don't mind, but it reminds me that this is not my identity.