Can't sleep :(

It's too early to be awake on a Sunday but I really can't sleep. I woke up around 6:45 and that was it, I was awake. No going back. I wish I could though, because oddly enough I'm really tired, but I have all these thoughts going around in my mind and I just can't turn it off.

I have really mixed feelings about yesterday. The day started out really well, I made breakfast for me and Rob and we went off to Hednesford/Cannock to look at flats. The first one was very nice. It was big and light and exactly what we need from a flat. There was a good size bedroom for us and an almost as big second bedroom to use as an office/guest bedroom, which I really really want. It ticked all the boxes.

And then there was the second flat we looked at. It's a lot closer to town, only about 100meters from Woody's (if that), but it was tiny. I have seen wardrobes that are bigger than that kitchen and the guest bedroom was about 5m2 big (roughly 54 sq ft). On top of the minimal flat the communal hallway reeked of cigarettes and the estate agent was a bit of a prick. So a very clear no on that one and I think we both felt that as soon as he opened the door if not earlier. It just wasn't right.

So we decided to put an application forward for the first flat first thing Monday as the estate agent isn't open on Sundays. After that we need to wait and see if we are accepted and then we can hopefully move in! Hanna has already booked in a stay with us this spring, and I suspect there will be visits from a few others to follow as well :)

As for the latter part of the day...... It just wasn't the right night for me to go out. I realised that pretty early on in the evening because I just didn't feel right. Hindsight is a beautiful thing. Later in the evening though, hours after I first felt that I should have stayed home, there were some things said that may have been lighthearted to those who said it but it really, really got to me and I really took offence. It was like I was given a window into the secret world of men and I just never want to see it again. I am not geared emotionally or psychologically to socialize with only men, I don't think. I need female companionship because I think we'd have more in common... :/

After what was said last night I'd just hate to think what they say about me when I can't hear it. If they didn't know me and saw me in a pub, what would they pick on? It just eats you up from the inside and I can't let go of it because I already hate myself and my body, I cant imagine I'm the only one who feels that way, and knowing how cruel people can be... I just don't want to know what they would say.

I'm not naïve enough to think it's all roses and sunshine and unicorns when people talk about me behind my back, that's just plain unrealistic to think, but I hope that they have some measure of respect for me.

I need some breakfast and some more sleep. Right now I'm so tired I could just sit down and cry.
Hope you're feeling better than I am.
Huggles <3
Saga xx